Why do we pick ourselves apart, decide we are unacceptable & not worthy of meaningful relationships?

Maybe you relate to this question from an external point of view focusing on a body part or disapproval of your physical appearance and how you see yourself.


Maybe you relate to this question from an internal point of view focusing on heart-break, disappointment, shame, guilt, anger, resentment, regret, apathy, unworthiness, or feeling like you have nothing relevant to contribute.


Some of your beliefs about feeling unworthy and unacceptable may be visible in your physical appearance or perhaps it’s an inner struggle that no one knows about because you keep it hidden within, never to be looked at so that it can be healed.


We do this!  We tend to bury these feelings deep within and carry it with us, like invisible luggage, repeating past experiences believing this time it will be different because the faces are different. Just because we keep it locked away doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist and it doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect our relationships and the deeper connections we desire.

She has it all! or does she?


Take for example the woman who has it all:

  • nice figure,
  • nice hair,
  • nice clothes,
  • good career,
  • money in the bank,
  • nice car, and
  • a beautiful home

yet she is silently suffering, unhappy, hating herself because she unable to have a deeply connected relationship.


Why would someone who seems to have it all have so little self-acceptance and love for themselves that they are unable to open up and connect at a deeper level.


Connecting with others, whether romantic or friendship, has nothing to do with the things we have.


We connect with others through resonance and our shared experiences.  In order for us to resonate with another we have to be vulnerable and open about who we are and where we’re at in life.


This isn’t easy for a lot people because many people have never seen themselves for who they are and come to love the various aspects of what makes them unique so they show up in the world thinking:

  • they have to present themselves in a certain way, or
  • be a certain way, or
  • look a certain way, or
  • have certain things, or
  • have achieved a level of success.

We can hide behind this façade, for a while, but eventually it takes a toll on us and we become deeply dissatisfied and unhappy with ourselves, our life, and our relationships because we are disconnected from the deeper part of ourselves.,


We need connection with other people but
we crave a deeper emotional connection to ourselves and to others

This is the type of connection where:

  • we trust someone with our secrets,
  • we know someone has our back, and
  • we can relax and feel safe in their presence

yet we don’t trust others so we build a wall …. or a castle with no draw bridge AND a deep mote with plenty of things to keep people out!

We’re safe behind these walls.  Sadly this safety doesn’t always bring us happiness.

In order to have this deeper emotional connection you need to be able to feel confident in who you are, knowing that your imperfections are acceptable! 

I mean really! What is perfect and who set the standard for perfect anyways!?  There is a lot of judgment out there and there are beliefs that have been handed down from generation to generation that no longer apply to the world we live in today.

You are not unlike anyone else and anyone else is not unlike you!

We are all connected and we have similar experiences at different times in our lives.

I hear this a lot.

We don’t want to be vulnerable and feel exposed.

We don’t want to be hurt again.

We don’t want to be abandoned or be rejected. 

We don’t want to be taken advantage of.

We don’t want to show others the scars on our heart.

We somehow have determined that imperfection, not knowing it all, not having it all, not having the exact right words at the exact right time, somehow makes us unworthy or unacceptable or not good enough yet that is exactly how we connect with others in a deeper more meaningful way and that includes our romantic relationships.

We really have come to believe that we are separate from everyone else, but we aren’t. 

Many of our insecurities came from our childhood but the truth is that no one gets out of childhood unscathed.  There is always something that is leftover that somehow influences our feelings of worthiness, lovability, and deservedness but when does one start to see themselves as whole, complete, in their imperfection because eventually we experience the pain of not doing the work on ourselves and as a result we feel the pain because we are separated and disconnected from ourselves and from others.

To reiterate, we need connection and we crave deeper connection so we need to cultivate a healthy relationship with ourselves so that we can start to open up to others.

Let’s look at something that Shakespeare wrote that may help put things into perspective for you.

‘All the world is a stage and each of us are actors playing our parts.
When the play is over we all go home’.

When you stop to consider the deeper meaning of this, it is quite profound because you think your lifetime is a long time yet in the grander scheme of things it’s a mere blip in time. What so many get hung up on, unknowingly, is that we live in the pain of our past. We need to transform our experiences that we perceive are negative and integrate them into wisdom that we take with use into our future.

You are here to have life experiences so that you grow. 

You are here to cultivate relationships because they help you in your growth.

You are here to love and to be loved.

So every heart-break and disappointment is an opportunity for you to forgive yourself and others and to learn more about who you are. The ability to be honest about what’s going internally will help you heal that part of you buried deep within, and it allows for others to heal the parts of themselves also.

When you look at the original question, ‘Why do we pick ourselves apart and decide we are unacceptable and not worthy of meaningful connections’, I encourage you to take a deeper dive into how that is holding you back. I also acknowledge that this work can be painful and brings up a lot of uncomfortable feelings. We don’t like to be uncomfortable but we end up causing ourselves more pain in the long run by not allowing ourselves to sit with the discomfort and heal the pain.

If this resonates with you and you are struggling to do the inner work, send me an email to info@irissirianni.com

Leave a comment below.

Sending you lots of love and light.


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