This is a follow up episode to a video I created two years ago on why it is not a good idea to jump from one relationship to another.
There are so many comments on that video expressing the hurt and betrayal people feel when their significant person moved on so quickly after the end of the relationship. If you want to listen to that video I have posted the link below to this episode.
Click here to download or listen and read below.
Besides the healing and coming to terms with the ending of the relationship, when someone you love and care about moves on so quickly it feels like a betrayal because you perceive their moving on to mean that you and the relationship meant nothing to them and that’s hurtful.
But it’s not the truth.
When a relationship that you have emotionally and intimately invested in ends, there is a healing period that needs to happen. Not everyone can or wants to do the work on themselves but that doesn’t mean that the relationship meant nothing to them. Having said that the meaning ones give to their relationship will vary from person to person.
Have you given thought to what the relationship meant to you?
An emotional investment in a relationship doesnt mean that you have been in the relationship for years either. Not surprising at all is that we can become emotionally attached quite quickly but the longer we are in a relationship with someone the deeper our lives become intertwined which means the uncoupling and healing process may need more time.
The healing period
This healing period gives you the opportunity to:
- Accept that the relationship is over. This process is easy for some and for others they find it extremely difficult to accept that it is over and still hold out hope that there is an opportunity for reconciliation.
- Forgive. When a relationship ends you will feel hurt, betrayed, angry, resentment, shame, or guilt. It would be important to forgive the other person but it is also important to forgive yourself. You may not think that there is anything to forgive yourself for but there is.
I’ve seen it many times with clients that if your relationship was formed on a sandy foundation there is a level of self-betrayal that was present. This self-betrayal will have been not trusting your intuition and ignoring the yellow and red flags, putting up with things that didn’t sit right with you, gaslighting yourself and making up a story that it’s not as bad as it seems and that you should be grateful that you have them or staying when you knew this was not the right relationship for you.
But not all relationships are built on a sandy foundation that requires constant patching. Sometimes people outgrow each other and want different things from life.
In talking about forgiveness for yourself, it’s really important to not beat yourself up for past mistakes but to see it as an opportunity to heal and grow stronger. If you take this time for yourself you will come to know yourself at a much deeper level and see your true value. It’s during this time that you will see the relationship for how it served you, and what it taught you and in there you can find forgiveness for the other person and emotionally and energetically release them.
Jumping into a brand new relationship
Now let’s talk about rebounding or jumping into a brand new relationship without taking time to emotionally and energetically let go of the relationship.
The late Betty White said, ‘The best way to get over a man is to get under a new man’ Is this the best way? I don’t know for sure but for some they see it as a way to get over their previous person.
Here are a few things that I see with the rebound.
It may feel good to replace a partner as soon as possible because its a distraction from any pain but there are a few things that happen as a result of this:
If you are still emotionally attached to someone else you cant be 100% present to the new relationship. That’s just a fact. This new person, whether they are aware of it or not, can feel the holding back and one of two things will happen.
They are either going to tolerate the ambiguity, not knowing where they stand in the relationship, but become attached anyways which creates that sandy foundation we were talking about or they will pull back and move on.
That’s their part.
What I see a lot of people do is mask, camouflage, organize and compartmentalize their unresolved feelings and emotions while they start the new relationship but just because it’s locked away doesn’t mean its not there and eventually all unhealed pain will want to percolate to the surface and that’s when we see patterns play out and repeat themselves because we have never done the work. We keep layering band-aids in the form of new relationships.
The other thing that can happen is that when you have several short term relationships, in the attempt to replace love, your confidence and self esteem will take a hit. You either see fault and blame everyone else as being the problem or you start believing there is something wrong with you. And of course there is nothing wrong with you, you just havent had time to heal and its not uncommon to discover that you are not only healing from your last relationship you are also healing childhood pain.
Why do people rebound
The simple truths about why people move from one relationship to another are these:
- Some people don’t like to be alone,
- They just aren’t ready to deal with the junk in the trunk, or
- They weren’t emotionally attached to the person whether they always have one foot in and one foot out or they started detaching long before the relationship ended there was an emotional detachment which of course would make it much easier to move, or
- Some people have the ability to turn off their feelings and emotions for one person and turn to someone else to receive their love and affections without giving too much as they go through a process of tucking them away deep within.
I want to be clear about something. There is no shame or casting blame whatsoever because everyone is on their own journey and it’s through our relationships that we learn about who we are and grow from the experiences. Blaming or shaming someone because they have moved on so quickly is hurtful, there is no doubt about that, especially if you still love them deeply but it’s also not wrong.
They are doing what they need to do and you can only be responsible for doing what you need to do for your well-being and healing. Maybe you need to have a short term relationship to help you get over the hump to see that you would rather work on yourself for a while. Whatever it is, is all perfect
Why you can’t let go.
Does it seem to you that knowing your person has moved on has caused you to cling to the relationship even longer? This happens a lot.
Here are a few reasons
- Validation that the relationship meant as much to them as it did to you. We can loop this back to the feeling of betrayal and that it meant nothing. When this happens all we can do is reflect on what it meant for us and what we learned about ourselves because of the relationship.
- There is no closure. Sometime there is no heartfelt, ‘real’ and honest conversation about what happened and what dreams were lost. Usually these conversations come long after the relationship ends when emotions have settled and sometimes it never happens.
If you never find closure with them, you will find it within yourself. - The hope that there is still hope for the relationship. We can lead ourselves to believe that they are with someone new but will soon discover that the new person is not you and they will come back.
I’m not saying this doesn’t happen but when you hang on to this hope you stop your own healing and moving on to find someone that can love you the way you deserve to be loved.
A final thought about this is that sometimes people do come back together again after being apart for years. The key is to let them go and let the winds off change bring you back together if that’s what’s meant to be but don’t hold yourself back from loving someone new. - Sometimes we romanticize relationships remembering how we felt during the good times. There is a reason the relationship ended and it wasn’t because of the good times.
Romanticizing is actually fear; fear of being alone, feeling lonely, and being outside of your comfort zone as you learn to be on your own and figure things out.
This process of figuring yourself out may not feel good but it will absolutely make you stronger and wiser.
Watching them move on hurts for any or all the reasons above. Their moving on so quickly doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of love, or will never find love again. They, for their own reasons, needed to and you need something different.
I hope you take your time finding yourself and healing. Place no time limit on or rush your process because you will move through it at the exact right pace for you.
As always if you need help along the way you can take a look at my coaching program, at irissirianni.com/workwithme
And until the next episode,
Be brave. Forgive yourself and others. Live big. Trust yourself. Make the tough decisions even though it breaks your heart. Trust that what and who leaves your life is meant to leave. Have faith that the space that’s left will be filled with new experiences and opportunities that expand your heart and your life.