‘I just want someone to love me for me.’
It is the most common thing I hear from both men and women when it comes to relationships.
What you may not have an awareness of is that the one saying this is your inner child and that is what this episode is all about;
* your beliefs about worthiness,
* why you believe no one has loved you for you,
* what that has to do with your inner child, and
* how the energies of the Age of Aquarius supports your healing.
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One of the most common things I hear from both men and women when it comes to relationships. I hear it all the time. It’s, ‘I just want someone to love me for me.’
And you absolutely deserve to be loved and accepted for exactly who you are! But you have to love and accept you for who you are before someone can love and accept you for who you are.
If you haven’t embraced your true self, which involves doing some inner work and letting your inner child, who has been running the show, rest, you will bend, contort and mold yourself into being someone you aren’t, so that someone will see you as worthy, loveable and you feel validated.
You will search for your worthiness through another person or things.
I recently posted this on my Instagram.
If your first source to finding worthiness and love is outside yourself, this creates codependent situations that can go horribly wrong yet you’ll stay even when it’s unhealthy or abusive because you haven’t healed the part of you that never felt like you deserved to be loved, accepted, seen, understood, or that you belonged.
In romantic relationships it also places tremendous responsibility on the other person to constantly validate us although it’s highly likely that if it’s a toxic relationship they aren’t doing very much validating anyways.
This incidentally is why we stay in unhealthy relationships and situations longer than we know we should. After all, if the relationship were to end, we would feel unsafe, unloved, unworthy, and scramble to cling to the next person because we haven’t had the awareness that everything we are looking for from another can be found within.
There is a small person inside of you that, while growing up, lost the connection to a higher source of love.
This is the work.
This is inner child healing.
This is letting your inner child finally rest.
Relationships are always how we play out the subconscious beliefs about who we are and what we are worthy of receiving.
Until we awaken to what our patterns are that support our beliefs we will be presented with people who look different but end up being the same type as always.
I am finding more and more that as we move ahead into the Age of Aquarius, which is all about the expansion of consciousness, knowing the truth of who we are and bringing our uniqueness into the world, people are waking up to their own power although they may not realize it yet.
This, in my opinion, is a very good thing but it is also not something that happens overnight either.
To fully embrace this growing awareness and inner power, we must heal, forgive and release the pain and patterns that created the unworthiness we subconsciously have come to believe about ourselves and it’s been my personal experience and with clients I have worked with that this process is a gradual process that happens over time and is not an overnight thing.
This is what is prompting the whole self-love movement.
The Self Love Movement
Some have the opinion that the self-love movement and choosing yourself is selfish and narcissistic. I don’t believe this is the case at all. It is a shift in paradigms from needing something external to us to seeing it inside ourselves raising our consciousness and reflecting it out.
How can we properly love and help raise the vibration of humanity without this?
Before this we spend a great deal of our time and energy trying to prove ourselves.
Where we invest our time and energy trying to prove ourselves
Until this awareness or awakening begins to happen we invest our time and energy trying to prove ourselves to someone else and we end up neglecting the one person who needs you the most and of course that person is you.
Here are some of the we try to prove our worth to anything outside of ourselves;
- We do it by being in relationships that we feel uncomfortable, awkward, and always struggling in,
- We do it by saying yes to things we don’t want to do,
- We do it by taking hundreds of selfies, posting the one we think is best, then taking it down when it doesn’t get enough likes,
- We care more what others think
- We do it by setting high expectations to succeed,
- We do it by clawing our way up the corporate ladder in a job that is soul-sucking,
- We do it with too many cosmetic enhancements.
That last one may be a touchy subject for some but I believe that enhancing your looks to help you feel refreshed is equal to getting your hair done or putting on makeup and it’s also like putting seat and steering wheel covers in your car to refresh the look.
A little goes a long way however over the top may be to cover something buried deeper. What’s considered over the top is subjective, right? It’s the same as how much alcohol is too much, only you know in your heart what the right balance for you is 🙂
The problem with working so hard to prove your worth, is that even when you do get to the place where you can finally say… ‘Now I don’t have to work so hard to prove myself and can relax’, you quickly learn that that is so not the case.
If this is resonating for you and you relate this to a relationship, you will know that yes, you got that man or woman, but now you’re struggling in the relationship for any number of reasons.
If you know your worth and your value it will be easy to see this isn’t the right relationship for you and you will bow out gracefully. If you haven’t healed this part of you the cycle will continue to repeat itself.
These are just a few examples of how we try to prove ourselves and it’s exhausting trying to NOT be yourself.
I wrote about this story in my recent newsletter. Click here to join my newsletter You will also receive a guided relaxation meditation that I created.
I remember years ago I was in a relationship with a very dynamic man.
I also remember feeling off. Not because of him but I always felt like I didn’t fit in.
The more he was authentically himself, the more I tried to prove that I fit in. I desperately wanted to be loved.
I tried hard to not be myself until one day I was really feeling horrible and I said to him, ‘I don’t know how to be’. He laughed and said ‘What do you mean? Just be yourself!’
What repeating patterns and cycles look like
We do all of the things I just mentioned and more, then discover its not working so we:
What you do when it’s not working?
- Try harder,
- Do more (workout harder and more often, stricter diet) to have a better body because then they won’t keep criticizing you about your weight,
- Jump through more hoops in the relationship, because then they will see how much you love them and they won’t leave.
- Take on more responsibility to be a team player and get to the top,
- Set unachievable goals
- Punish yourself
- Negative & hateful self talk
- For some it’s hurting themselves physically
- Shame ourselves
And when we cant process the pain
- Numb yourself
- Substances
- Food
- Social media
- More cosmetic enhancements
- Retail therapy
- Gambling
- Repeat the cycle until you can’t take it anymore.
These are the patterns and cycles of how we are always trying to get that love and validation externally and when we do this we also give our power away to those people, situations we find ourselves in and all the ways we use to distract and numb our pain.
This is what you are perhaps waking up to and are wanting to heal from and I am so happy for you because although this isn’t an easy process I can promise you it is worth it and you will feel so much better.
Let’s look at the inner child. If you have never fully connected to your own internal source of love wouldn’t that mean that your small child is still working hard to get that love?
The Inner Child
We learn a lot when we’re kids. Not just by the things that are said and done but also the things not said and not done and things we see and experience.
I talked a lot about healing self worth and the image we have of ourselves in a previous episode but it’s from our experiences growing up that we form a foundation for, well everything.
If we think about this for a moment, where else would we learn about anything related to love, connection, trust and so much more.
It doesn’t matter what age you formed the beliefs you have, it’s still your inner child that is working so hard to get love, feel safe, be seen, be understood and accepted, fit in…. whatever it is for you. Your inner child doesn’t know anything different.
the Age of Aquarius
I mentioned at the beginning of this episode that the Age of Aquarius, which is all about the expansion of consciousness, knowing the truth of who we are and bringing each of our uniqueness into the world and creating community and soulful connections.
This is why people are leaving unhealthy relationships, and leaving long held careers to pursue work that has more depth and meaning and that helps other people.
It’s why people are moving away from the denseness and heaviness of people and things in their lives and looking to connect with like-minded people.
It’s why we are becoming more conscious of the planet and want to connect with nature more.
It’s why, as we transition, so many are experiencing darkness and depression as they let go of everything they knew and believed to be true to embrace the true nature of who they are.
It’s the reason we have so many more people becoming interested in the healing power of crystals, are interested in quantum physics, energy healing, meditation, yoga and are drawn to spiritual concepts and retreats to help them on their journey.
It’s why we have so many light workers, healers, coaches and are seeing a shift in how we want to love, support and help others rise up and move into a place of compassion and acceptance for all.
A final note to tuck away for when you need it.
Not everyone is awakening to this and that’s okay because it’s not their time. You don’t need to convince others and take this journey with you. They are not ready. Your work is to be with you and being the best and healthiest you can be.
My work is helping women heal the pain from their past that plays out as patterns in their relationships.
If you are interested in learning more about me, my work and my coaching programs, please feel free to have a look around my website.
Until the next episode,
Be you. Be brave. Forgive yourself and others. Live big. Trust yourself. Make the tough decisions even though it may break your heart. Trust that what and who leaves your life is meant to leave. Have faith that the space that’s left will be filled with new experiences and opportunities that expand your heart and your life.