There has been a steady uprising of information about how to love yourself more.
There are memes all over social media. When you see them you say to yourself, ‘How true! ‘ and keep scrolling.
And perhaps, like so many, your inbox has seen its fair share of newsletter subscriptions in hopes that you will glean a nugget of wisdom or insight that will help you feel better.
For a moment you feel empowered and strong but the feeling doesn’t last.
All the information is helpful. All the information is relevant and seems so simple. You are probably also trying your best to incorporate some of the things you are reading yet you may be asking, ‘Why isn’t it working for me?’
Why isn't it working for me?
My definition of self-love is:
Know who you are and accept all parts of yourself.
Most people don’t know who they truly are. They have created an image of who they think they are which have them reaching for things outside themselves; relationships, status, appearance, material possessions, etc., that will support the image of who they think they should be.
The reaching is a veil that pushes them to do more, to be more, to prove themselves but for who?
And for many, there is inconsistency in who they are and what they do when they are around different groups of people.
Most significant though is that they feel the inauthenticity. They feel out of alignment with themselves, yet don’t know who to align to. This is the feeling of being disconnected to yourself and not knowing who you are. It causes a lot of pain and leads into the second part of the definition.
Accept all parts of yourself.
Who wants to look at what drives the fear of rejection, abandonment, and worthiness issues that cause you to stay small, struggle with boundaries, addiction and co-dependence but just because we don’t want to see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
Self-love is a healing movement which requires you to embrace the whole you. It requires you to look at the hidden parts of you that you have been trying to ignore and running from.
We live in a world of duality. We have to embrace the hidden within ourselves just as much as the visible. The more we allow ourselves to heal the more empowered we become.
It’s not easy work but it is necessary and the transformation is absolutely worth it.
Unearthing what you haven't let yourself see
The process of unearthing what we don’t want to see (also called Shadow Work) usually starts when something significant happens in our life and the pain becomes unbearable.
I have outlined a few small steps that will help you start to heal.
You will need a few things to start; pen, paper and some peace and quiet.
- You know when something is off. You are triggered and it causes you to feel a certain way. Your first response is to distract yourself somehow and/or ruminate in thought.
Instead of distraction can you let yourself feel the feeling? It will feel uncomfortable and maybe even scary. What is that feeling? Can you name that feeling? - Your body is always speaking to you. Tune into your body. Where are you feeling that feeling. What does it feel like? Is it cold, hot, knotted?
- Staying in that stillness and tuning in to the feeling in your body, allow the feeling to take on a shape? Is there a colour, texture or scent? If nothing is forming that is okay don’t try to force anything.
- Be there with the feeling in your body. See it, walk around it and notice if anything changes.
- Write in your journal. What was the feeling you had. Where in your body did you feel it and how did it feel? Did it have a colour? Did it change in any way? What else came up as a result of you tuning in this way.
This is an exercise that you can apply every time you feel scared, guilt, shame, or anger. It works with procrastination, ruminating self-defeating thoughts and when old painful memories creep up.
I hope you found this helpful.
Love
Iris