Is it narcissism or selfishness & avoidance
The term ‘narcissist’ seems to have become the wide-casting buzz word we now use to describe a person we are in a ‘toxic’ relationship with.
Some people really are narcissists but some people are just selfish, self-absorbed and avoidant.
Some relationships are truly toxic causing psychological distress but some are unhealthy and are not helping us grow and supporting us in life. One can feel very isolated and alone.
So what exactly is the difference between true narcissist behaviour and someone who is selfish and avoidant in their relationships?
Narcissistic Behaviour
When you are in relationship with someone who is selfish, self-absorbed and avoidant, it looks quite a bit different than when you are in a relationship with someone who is a true narcissist with Narcissist Personality Disorder
A narcissist lacks the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. You discover quickly that what they say and what they do does not align.
They belittle, criticize and put you down but tell you they are only saying and doing hurtful things because they love you and are only trying to help you be a better person.
They gaslight and create confusion. Gaslighting is when someone does something then denies having done it or twists it around to blame you for it. They create confusion by twisting, turning, diverting and blaming.
They create separation with family and friends. This is done in a few ways;
- by constantly telling you how horrible and selfish your family members and friends are. With all the other psychological and mental duress you are experiencing, you start to believe it.
- by making you feel so embarrassed and ashamed about the insanity of the relationship that you avoid wanting to hear the concerns from family and friends, and
- you are made to feel guilty and are called selfish (and other names) for spending time with your family and friends. There is always a scene when you try to leave and there are repercussions when you arrive home again.
They chip away at your self-esteem and self-worth. You question events, and your abilities. You lose all the joy in your life, and believe you are nothing because they have hollered everything nasty at you for years.
They are cutting, and cruel and they create distress and trauma for the one in a relationship with them.
Selfish, Self-Absorbed and Avoidant
Being in a relationship with someone who is selfish and avoidant is still very hurtful and unhealthy especially if you tend to feel anxious and need reassurance in the relationship.
Someone who has avoidant tendencies in relationships wants connection with another but they have never learned how to build a healthy connection. They have learned to be self-sufficient and take care of their own needs, therefore they don’t often extend themselves to take care of another. (To learn more about this attachment type click here)
A selfish person has empathy but their focus is on how they feel not how the other person feels.
A selfish and avoidant person will know that some of their actions hurt their partners feelings but they continue to do what makes them happy.
A selfish and avoidant person is focused on themselves first and not on creating inclusiveness in the relationship. They see themselves as separate from the other person and you’ll often say to yourself that you feel lonely in the relationship.
A selfish and avoidant person does have the ability to see when they are hurting someone. They can apologize and they do have the capacity to feel bad.
They do encourage their partners to be independent and separate from them unlike the narcissist person described earlier.
Taking your power back
Neither of there scenario’s is healthy and both are hurtful and leave you feeling less secure, less confident, and less worthy.
Relationships are always a mirror to show you where you are giving your power away to another;
- giving much more than you are receiving,
- unable and fearful to ask for what you want and need,
- putting up with bad behaviour,
- letting fear control you, and
- not believing you deserve so much more than what you have experienced.
Over time we leave splinters and pieces of ourselves to past relationships. Patterns and cycles repeat and it leaves us wondering what’s wrong with us. I assure you, there is nothing wrong with you. There is just some healing that needs to take place.
Regardless if you have or currently are in a relationship with someone whose behaviour creates distance in your relationship and they are more concerned with themselves than the relationship or if you are in a relationship with someone who is terrorizing you as with someone with narcissist personality disorder does, what is import for you is that you to really begin to see that your over-giving and pouring ALL of you into the relationship will not turn them into the person you need them to be.
You start to take your power back by pouring all the love and attention into yourself because your power, and your worth does not come from anything external to you. It comes from within you.
Be brave. Forgive yourself and others. Live big. Trust yourself. Make the tough decisions even though it breaks your heart. Trust that what and who leaves your life is meant to leave. Have faith that the space that’s left will be filled with new experiences and opportunities that expand your heart and your life.