You are changing so why isn’t your partner?
Why you shouldn't wait for your partner to change
I was speaking with a woman recently and she told me that she has been waiting for her partner to change so that she could continue moving forward in her own healing.
We went on to talk about two very important points;
- that we cannot expect someone to change so that we are happy, and
- we cannot put our own healing and growth on hold until our partner is also on board to move forward with us.
I have a saying;
We come together in romantic relationships through our wholeness or our unresolved childhood pain.
In this couple’s situation they came together as a result of their unhealed pain.
There is absolutely no judgement nor is there anything wrong with this because each experience we have gives us the opportunity to grow, evolve and heal. I call this healing your love wounds.
The challenge for this woman was that she had already started her healing journey some time ago, and because their was substance abuse that bonded the two, she had already made the decision that she no longer wanted this in her life and had already started on her sobriety.
She was ready for the next step and wanted her partner to do this with her but he was not ready. This is absolutely OKAY. Her partner doesn’t need to be ready before his time.
In spite of her will and determination to remain on her own path and continue healing she felt the draw to connect to her partner and the familiar pattern and this was holding her back.
It doesn’t need to be an addiction to a substance, it can be any situation where you are growing and changing old ways of being and it causes your relationship to go off the tracks, so to speak.
Perhaps you can relate to this story in some way as so many can.
People are allowed to be exactly who they are without judgement and that includes deciding to be in an addiction, be a jerk, be unkind, complain all the time . . .. whatever that is because it is not up to anyone to decide that it's time for them change. We can only ever decide to change ourselves and either accept how they are 'being' or not.
This is not about one person being right and the other wrong. It’s about seeing that you need to take care of yourself, to reconnect to yourself and to heal and sometimes that means stepping away from a relationship to do this.
A lot of people are going through relationship transitions and I want you to know that wherever you are on the journey, if there is a lot of stuff coming up for you, know that not every relationship needs to part ways. Sometimes it’s the most selfless thing we can do for ourselves because when we heal the part of ourselves that brings us to unhealthy relationships, we release an energetic cord that keeps us tied to our partner as well as the person/people who caused the initial hurt so long ago.
It’s a challenging time to make the decision to end a relationship and sometimes you may need support outside of your friend and family circle. If this is you feel free to contact me at anytime to see how we can work together and have the support and insight you need to make the transition.
Sending you so much love,
Iris