Relationships 101 – 3 Shifts in Perspective
I believe that there are some key things that women do that cause them to find themselves in unhappy relationships.
These aren’t bad things but I truly believe that a small shift in perspective can change everything.
If you are a younger woman reading or listening to this I believe that these small yet powerful shifts will bring you less hassle and pain as you weave your way through life and relationships.
So let’s start with the shifts in perspective with a personal story.
I have a really really good friend. His name is Randy. We started out as friends, then dated until we didn’t and then we became really really good friends.
I remember asking him over the years why friendships seemed to work so well until things became intimate and then everything seemed to change.
For years I contemplated this question and now I have these changes in perspective to offer to answer that question.
Shift in Perspective #1
Your romantic partner does not need to change after you become intimate.
I think this is a key point when you get into a new relationship. You don’t live together yet so you don’t care that much that they don’t make their bed in the morning or they don’t eat properly or whatever those little things are that you notice. We all notice the little things that are different than how we do things.
Here is what we think though. ‘I can fix or change that’ to which I say, please don’t enter into a new relationship with the idea that you can change those little things.
I believe that what we aren’t aware of is that people show us who they are even when they attempt to put their best version forward in the beginning but as a little time goes on you will start to notice things start to seep in. We can’t hide who we really are forever. We just have to be the observer for a few months and watch to see if we like what we see.
You don’t need to change anything about anyone. You only need to notice if what you see works for you. It’s unhealthy entering into a relationship with the expectation that you can change them.
If you see little things and can be okay with them most people in a new relationship will lean into small changes to make their partner happy anyways. The more you can be okay with the little things the better because the little things will become major bones of contention if the relationship goes off the rails.
How many times have you heard about a couples fight and things like housework, dishes left in the sink, and the toothpaste in the sink are brought up.
When couples hit challenging times the little things come up as being the issue but it’s never about those things. The little things are the attempt we make to regain a feeling of safety and security in the relationship because of a deeper issue that is bringing imbalance and disharmony to the relationship.
My point is, be okay with the small things because they really don’t matter to being happy in the relationship.
What you are also looking for are the big things. We’ll cover that in perspective #2.
Shift in Perspective #2
This is a big one. They do not need to change who they are for you to be happy.
Usually when we become unhappy in our relationship it is because of one of two things.
- You or the other person has changed and one isn’t on the same page, or
- The person you chose was always the way they are but you ignored the signs and have been waiting and trying to get them or things to change.
Let’s look at the first point.
You or your person has changed.
This happens a lot and for various reasons. Sometimes we outgrow our partner and we want different things.
You can take the couple who stayed together for 30+ years raising their children but now, as empty nesters, they find they have not much in common anymore and they want to rediscover who they are as individuals and have other relationship experiences.
We live in a different time now. It’s not like when our great grandparents were young. They didn’t live well into our 80s and 90s with so many options and opportunities and experiences to have. Their lifespan was considerably less not to mention religious influences and society prevented couples from getting divorced.
That’s not the way it is anymore. We live longer which raises the question that maybe we aren’t meant to be with one person for life. Perhaps we are meant to have a few partners throughout our life.
- One to help us see what we want,
- One to have children with or support us through part of our life for a while or help us grow into who we are mean to be, and
- One to live in harmony with for the remainder of our life.
It’s an interesting concept, but ultimately nothing in life ever stays the same and neither do humans. We either adapt each others changing wants and needs or we decide to part ways.
Now lets look at the second point.
The person you chose was always the way they are but you ignored the signs and have been waiting and trying to get them or things to change.
This is about ignoring our intuition and ignoring the yellow and red flags because we don’t trust ourselves, have self-esteem and self-worth issues or we believe we can change them!
Again, we cannot change another person. We can only ever change ourselves.
When I talk about karmic relationships and healing our love wounds this is what I’m speaking to.
How many people enter into a relationship with an uneasy feeling about their persons actions and behaviour but find ways to justify everything for the sake of feeling loved and wanted.
Sometimes these relationships aren’t completely toxic. Sometimes we are out of alignment with each others morals and values but we come together because of sexual chemistry and there is nothing wrong with that!
The trouble starts down the road, around the 18 month mark, when the chemicals start to settle down and the incongruencies start to really show up.
We can overlook what doesn’t really work for us for the sake of the sexual connection but we also don’t exit because we become attached and we look for security or the ability to depend on them and really build a solid connection.
If you happen to find yourself putting up with breadcrumbs and hanging on to things like, ‘we went away for the weekend, he/she was so sweet and we had an amazing weekend and they were so attentive’ or ‘he/she sent me the sweetest texts and made me dinner and surprised with flowers’, but then they disappear and reemerge a week or two later with an excuse, or get angry with your questioning about what happened to them, this is your sign that this person, regardless of how amazing you think they are or the time you spend together was, is not ready to give you security and dependability and if you have an anxious ambivalent tendency in relationship this will trigger your attachment pattern.
It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with them. It just means they can’t give you what you need and you’re not on the same page or even in the same book.
Human beings aren’t meant to be alone. We want to connect. We thrive in relationships when we feel secure and can depend on our person to be there and support us through difficult times.
My point is that if it feels off to you it means you should pull back a bit see what is really going on before you get too heavily involved. There is nothing wrong with taking your time.
And if you are putting up with their scraps, walk away please. Don’t try to change them, or hope that they will change. Accept that they are showing you who they are and where they are at in their own evolution which is not where you are.
It doesn’t make you unlovable and it doesn’t mean you won’t find someone who treats you with respect and values you and loves who you are. It WILL only cause you pain.
Trusting your intuition
And if you sense they are being unfaithful, trust that sense. Even if you are wrong, the worst thing that could happen is they call you crazy and best thing that will happen is you open the door to a relationship where you feel safe.
Shift in Perspective #3
You are not your partners possession. They are not your possession.
The best relationship is one where each person is free within the relationship.
- Free to be yourself.
- Free to have your own interests.
- Free to spend time with your friends.
- Free to need your own time and space without judgment or criticism.
- Free to communicate.
It is so important to know who you are and are able to talk about the little things as well as have the tough conversations without the fear that love will be taken away from you.
Have you ever seen a small child try to love a kitten by holding it around their neck? The kitten just wants to get away. The same is true in relationships.
Be free and let your partner be free.
Have the difficult conversations when they come up and don’t fear losing the relationship because if it.
Don’t chase someone if they breadcrumb, gaslight or treat you badly and have an excuse for everything. It’s not that you aren’t worthy, it’s that they aren’t ready to receive what you have to offer them.
The love you deserve will come to you when you choose to love yourself!
With love,
Iris